Valentine's Day - Shot Through the Heart and You're to Blame

Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on Valentine’s and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favorite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all - one known only by those who love....
~Unknown

Just when we thought we could breathe a sigh of relief that we had survived the onslaught of the holiday frenzy, we are again being bombarded by the glaring red and pink hearts, greeting cards, red roses, and chocolates everywhere to usher in yet another day of celebrations – Valentine’s Day.

Since childhood when we learned to scribble our names on cards to exchange with school mates, Valentine’s had been officially a special holiday like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and Easter. It even came with its own mascot - Cupid, who joined the ranks of Michael Myers, the Turkey and the Pilgrims, Santa and the Easter Bunny.  So it’s no wonder why many look forward to the tradition of giving and receiving cards, flowers, and gifts to and from their loved ones. For those in relationships, it is a time to profess and affirm one’s love for their beloved.

But for those of us who grieve, it is another day that never fails to remind us of our loss. Like birthdays and anniversaries, Valentine’s Day has become a trigger that stirs up pain and a host of intense emotions. Even if it was not observed that much in life, in death this special day can be agonizing particularly to someone who has lost a spouse or partner. Love is in the air and people are paired off everywhere we look. Except that, the love of our life is gone and we are so painfully aware that we are alone. The pain cuts through the heart, the very symbol that this day represents.  I read somewhere that Valentine’s Day was now also being called Singles Awareness Day, SAD but true.

I have always been a hopeless romantic who looked forward to and celebrated Valentine’s Day. I was known for getting the well thought out gift and card and plotting the perfect romantic dinner or get away for weeks in advance. Tim barely thought about it. After maybe noticing the hubbub around his office, he would often ask me, “Babe, when is Valentine’s Day?” Really? He never seemed to remember the date. So some years at the beginning of our marriage, he got all sorts of presents and I did not even get a card. Instead, I got profuse apologies and self-recrimination for forgetting. So before I got resentful about it, I made a pact with him that we would never celebrate Valentine’s Day ever again, after all it was nothing but a commercialized event, a marketing ploy. I stuck to my word but it was hit or miss with him. One year, nothing. The next, dinner, flowers, and a card. I even lucked out with jewelry another year. I told him that I did not want anything on Valentine’s Day. I wanted him to bring me flowers on a Wednesday on his way home from work because he was thinking about me.

After he died, he came to me in a dream visitation. He was standing at the end of the hallway, with his adorable, boyish grin. In his arms, he cradled a bunch of beautiful, long-stemmed, blood-red roses like I had never seen before, probably picked from heaven’s gardens. Next thing I knew, I had the roses in my arms until I reluctantly woke up. Before I could start doubting myself, I looked at the date and it was February 17. I knew he came. Even in death, my love was late again! This story never fails to bring a smile to my face. I still miss him so much on Valentine’s Day, on whatever date he remembers it to be.

We may not have had any choice about being thrust into this grief journey but we still have a choice in how we can move forward through it. All these “special day triggers” will come around year in and year out. We can choose to either focus on the pain of our loss or the love in the memories associated with it.

Here are some ways to hopefully help you get through Valentine’s Day:

Honor your pain.

Grief forces you to go through a whole gamut of emotions especially on these difficult days. Allow yourself to feel these emotions. Accept that this is normal and is part of the process. In order to heal, grief must be experienced over and over. Everyone grieves differently. Let go of expectations you put upon yourself on the proper way or the appropriate length of time to grieve. Do what feels right for you.

Have a plan.

Valentine’s Day and any special holiday will never be the same without your loved one. Plan for these days and determine what you need to do to make them less painful. Being open to making new traditions, knowing that your loved one wants you to be happy, can help you handle difficult moments better.

Remember your loved one.

Death can never take away the love you shared with your spouse or partner. Your loved one will always be a part of who you are. It is their love that will transform you and see you through this grief journey. Do something special to celebrate their life and remember them and the happy times you shared together. It is possible for the love you shared to co-exist with the pain you feel from losing them.

Be Your Own Valentine.

Valentine’s Day can be a day for self-love. Do something that makes you feel good and brings you joy.  Pamper yourself with a massage or pedicure; go out to lunch with your best friend; watch a favorite movie; buy yourself your favorite flowers. Acknowledging your feelings and making yourself a priority are healthy ways of coping with your loss.

Whatever you decide to do, only do what feels right to you. Take a deep breath. You got this. Valentine’s Day too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day.