Dear Younger Me
Happy Birthday to me! Another year older, hopefully wiser. So what have I learned this year? Indeed, a lot! Well, I was driving the other day when this song, Dear Younger Me (by MercyMe), came on the radio and it made me think about my journey.
This past November 25 marked nine years since my husband, Tim, died of complications of liver cancer. Listening to the song made me look back at my 48-year old self who was thrust into widowhood without her choosing or permission. The light of her life had just been extinguished. She wondered if she would ever survive this loss. She yearned for her old life as she knew it. The future looked bleak and filled her with apprehension not knowing how to navigate life on her own. She wanted answers to her whys and someone to tell her how this journey would turn out. Most of all, she needed the reassurance that everything would be alright. So this is what I would tell her.
Dear Younger Me,
As you celebrate your first birthday without Tim, I wish I had the power to go back in time and undo or prevent this event in your life, but unfortunately I don’t. No amount of love in all the universe could have kept Tim from dying and leaving you behind. Nor can I protect you from what you will have to go through. But like the song, I could tell you everything that I have learned along the journey. . .
Grief is not just an emotional condition but a physical one. When you thought that your heart was breaking, it really was.
In the early days of loss, the pain you felt at the loss of your loved one cut through the heart. It is a visceral kind of pain. Medically, the Japanese call it Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, a temporary condition where your heart muscle becomes suddenly weakened or “stunned.” This condition is also called acute stress-induced cardiomyopathy, or broken heart syndrome. You just experienced the biggest trauma of your life. You are not imagining things. Your heart is literally broken. It is very important to take care of yourself and find constructive ways to channel this stress to cope with your grief. Some have turned to counseling, fitness, some to prayer and meditation. Do only what works for you when you are ready.
Grief is not linear.
The stages of grief are not like steps you climb or graduate from after experiencing them one by one in a certain order. It is not something you pack away after finally reaching acceptance that your loved one is truly gone and is not coming back. It is not something you master, get a certificate for and put neatly in a frame then pat yourself on the back for finishing the obstacle course that is now your life. Grief is more circular where you experience each stage over and over in the course of a day, a week, a month, and even through the coming years. You will be all over the place. It will be messy and ugly. But you must allow yourself to go with the flow. Don’t fight it or try to escape from it. The only way is through it. Stand still and allow yourself to feel. In order to heal, grief must be experienced over and over.
Expect people to tell you it’s time to move on.
The world will not stop spinning because the love of your life has died. Time will march and life will go on. People, even those closest to you, will express their expectation that you should be “over it” by now. So why do you still weep? Why do you still talk about him? We live in a society where death is a very uncomfortable and disconcerting topic or event that people prefer not to talk about. There is even a superstitious element attached to it that if you talk about it or plan for it, it will happen. Well, newsflash! It WILL happen to ALL of us sooner or later. You’ve heard the saying, Death and Taxes are the only certainties in this world. You will hear many absurd and even callous-sounding things like “You are lucky he was sick for a while and you had time to prepare,” “Death is better than divorce,” or “Are you dating yet?” just a few months after his death. And my favorite, “You shouldn’t be sad because he is in a better place,” when your whole being is screaming that the only place he should be is by your side, and alive!
You will recognize those who will stop you to ask, “How are you?” but don’t really want to hear about your sadness and the ways you are trying so hard to make sense of and cope with your loss. You will learn to say, “Fine, thanks,” and maybe even afford a little smile. Fake it til you make it works much of the time. You will be angry and hurt. But you have to remember that they have not been on the journey you are on. Even in your anger, you would never wish your experience on anyone. Forgive them anyway. They will never understand until they find themselves starting out on the same journey as you. But you will also recognize those people who truly care to know how you really are. Trust them because they are the ones who will not be afraid to be right there with you especially on the most difficult days.
Some people will be appalled by the steps you take to get through the grief, stating things like how you are moving too fast or too slow. Some will question loyalty, I’m sure. Some would think you are grasping at straws when you share a sign, message, or a dream visitation from your loved one. Others would judge that you are obsessed with your grief and are refusing to let go or move on.
But that shouldn’t matter. You are the one who lost her spouse, and the way you react to this is going to be uniquely you. Others shouldn’t dictate how you should or shouldn’t be feeling. You are allowed to grieve however you must, even if it means taking off the wedding ring or parting with his belongings. Remember, this is YOUR journey. You decide when you are ready. . . for ANYTHING.
You will never get over your loss but you can move forward with your life.
Grief is not a one-time event. It has no timetable. It is a lifelong journey. Don’t be surprised that if in year 6 post-loss, when your life has settled into your new normal, you once again get that overwhelming expectation of seeing your loved one come through the door at 6:00 p.m. while you prepare dinner. And you’ll ask, why now? Why am I back to step one? There will be many more instances like this where grief will take you back to your Ground Zero when you least expect it. But it’s ok, because you have run the gauntlet before. It no longer has the same power over you like the first time. It is hard to imagine now but a time will come when your loved one will not be your constant thought every minute of the day. And when you do think about him, your tears may well up and silently escape from your eyes from missing him so much, but it will no longer be the keening of a deeply wounded heart. The pain will not always be like this. One day, remembering your loved one will bring a smile or even laughter. As Vice President Joe Biden, who tragically lost family members, said, “That is when you’ll know that you will be okay.”
Your loss will always be a part of you. Just as the face of grief will change, so will you. It will bring so many life lessons that will transform you into a stronger, more beautiful and compassionate human being. It will give you the courage to take the step toward charting your own course and creating new memories without your loved one. You will learn to discover life and enjoy it once again. This is what your loved one would want for you. This is how you will honor his memory.
Every day is a choice.
You will hear many say admiringly that you are such a strong person throughout your journey. Unbeknownst to them, if it were up to you, it would be so much easier to just curl up and die because that is exactly how you feel. A part of you had died with him. All of a sudden, nothing is more important than your grief and pain. Everything has lost its meaning. But you have to fight for your happiness. “Fight as if you were the third monkey in Noah’s ark.” Yes, exactly like that. Grief is exhausting. Choose life for it is truly a lighter burden to carry. Grief is what happened to you but it is not who you are. You still have some life left in you. You might as well make the most of it.
Stay active.
Everyone processes emotions and events differently. Everyone has his/her own rhythm to dance through life. Therefore, you shouldn’t base your recovery on someone else’s model. The time it took someone else to heal from the loss of her husband isn’t going to match your own pace. Grief has no deadline. It just doesn’t magically disappear after x-amount of days have passed. Grief comes and goes in waves. You can be fine for months then suddenly get broadsided by memories, leaving you back at square one.
Going back to a routine will be your saving grace. It will help ground you. What truly will help you move forward from the pain is taking initiative. Don’t let depression consume you. Instead, talk freely about your pain. Socialize. Travel. In short, embrace who you are as an individual and decide to carry on with your hopes and dreams as you would have had with Tim. Reach up to the sky in remembrance. Pull happiness in. Jump over obstacles and bound towards new friendships and experiences. Time will not stand still. Neither should you.
Embrace your aloneness.
You have known your loved one for half of your lifetime. For a while, when your husband left this world, you didn’t know who you were. You spent over 20 years together, after all. During this time, you had done many wonderful things together. You grew alongside one another, and you supported each other’s efforts. At first, you will be unsure about how you would cope with the loss. While you have always been a half of a whole, everything that the two of you used to do together is suddenly you going it alone. The loss of your partner will seem to make everything infinitely more stressful than it should have been. Your strength will wane, as will your sense of self.
But take heart, for you will discover who you are and what you are capable of doing. You will do great things on your own. As I said before, you might think time is standing still now that your spouse is gone, but don’t give in to that illusion. You may be alone and insecure for a time, but you’ll grow stronger with each passing day. Soon, you’ll be able to actively take on the world again.
Don't forget the good times.
Overtime, others might seem to forget about your loved one. They might stop bringing up memories that have to do with him. The presence that was once so bold and enriching in your life diffuses into the atmosphere, leaving you wondering if he were ever beside you in the first place. When this happens, then you should remember him completely. Bring out the pictures. Talk about the stories filled with light and laughter. Revel in the memories of a life that, while gone too soon, was amazing and invigorating. It is in remembering the good times that he can continue to live through you.
Be open.
Everyday, someone else is widowed. Every man and woman faced with the startling and devastating news that their loved one is gone initially suffers. Some people have a warning that the time of parting is on the horizon, such as chronic illness. Others have no clue. Yet, for whatever reason you are suddenly separated from your spouse. You will grieve. You will want to quit. You will want to lock up your heart and never love again. But that’s the exact opposite of what you should do. Just because milestones will come and go without him here, doesn’t mean that these days have to be spent in sadness. Tim, although a huge part of your life, was but one chapter among many yet waiting to be written. You still have more living to do. Be open to all the possibilities, opportunities and second chances life is waiting to bring you. Like Tim would indelicately say, "Life is here for the taking! For what it's worth, grab it by the balls!"
Love and miss you,
Your Older Me
~~~~~~~
Music: Dear Younger Me by MercyMe (No copyright infringement is intended as this video presentation is made in appreciation of the artist and his music.)
