The Last of the Grief Triggers
October 29, 2022 - Today, I earned a new badge of honor. None of it was of my own doing. I became a grandmother. Our dear, sweet Baby Shia was born.
The moment I saw and held this little miracle, I was filled with an emotion that I could not explain but only describe as being magical and exhilarating. Seeing this tiny and delicate baby and falling in love with him immediately was an experience like no other. I wanted to be physically close to him, to love him, to kiss and hug him. In my mind, I found my reason to want to be healthy and stick around for many more years to come. To always be there for him.
After I finally came back down to earth, I sat outside the hospital, alone with my thoughts as I waited for my son to bring the car around. I realized that Shia was born in the same hospital where my children, Devon and Bailey (his Mommy) were born, and a few floors down from where Tim passed away. Before this event, Good Samaritan Hospital was the last and biggest of my grief triggers that I still had to face. It was the site of our long battle to save Tim. The very place where our world crumbled that one day in November.
I remember leaving that place so many years ago and thinking hopefully “somewhere in the far away future, I will be able to come back because it will be for a happy occasion.” That far away moment finally arrived. Shia's birth there helped me to finally make my peace with Good Sam. I was able to walk the same familiar halls and pass by those frigid waiting areas where I once sat alone and waited, and cried and prayed anxiously for Tim’s healing . . . and not feel the heaviness in my chest, the lump in my throat or the squeeze to my heart that I used to feel just driving by. In some places, it seemed like time stood still and everything looked the same. The piano was still there by the coffee shop and the same chairs were arranged along the hallways, the chapel, the elevators . . . Even the information desk where I always checked in was still the same. The only difference? They no longer had the power to break me.
Memories are the only place where we could revisit our loved ones after they’re gone. They could be painful grief triggers that hurt and devastate. But at the same token, with time, these very same triggers can also bring us comfort and make our loved ones feel near to us.
Though the past will never be erased, it seems that Shia's birth had transformed all the sad memories we had of Good Sam 13 years ago. Finally, I don’t have any grief triggers left to conquer. Only love remains. And that makes me happy. I'm sure that’s what Tim had hoped for me the day he left.
