At the Intersection of Grief and Gratitude

November 24 -

I see friends’ Facebook memories of Thanksgiving dinners from years past.

Families gathered together, smiling faces, full plates, and fuller hearts overflowing with gratitude, at least for this one day in the year.

As for me, Facebook reminds me that this eve of Thanksgiving, 10 years ago, was the longest, darkest, and scariest night of my life.

Instead of being home thawing my turkey like everyone else, I was in a frigid hospital waiting room with my heart starting to freeze over with fear and uncertainty.

Instead of prepping my side dishes, I was unconsciously preparing myself for the inevitable.

Knowing Tim so well, I could almost hear him say, “Babe, don’t be hanging out here in the hospital with me. Go home and celebrate!”

But he knew that even wild horses would not be able to drag me away from his side, so he made the decision to go. He always told me, “Timing is everything.”

We managed to “celebrate” Thanksgiving the next day, mechanically at best. We were all either in shock to even process what just happened, or hyper-alert of that empty chair at the head of the table.

But what was certain was how difficult and almost appalling it was to give thanks and feel grateful amidst our pain while our hearts had just splintered into a million pieces.

Trust the Process

Year after year, Grief would drag me, wailing like a wounded animal, back to this night and the following morning to torment me into feeling every detail of his leaving.

It seared into my psyche that moment when my world finally and totally spun off of its axis and hurtled me into a lonely and desolate planet. Just because. . . why?

Little did I know that Grief had a plan. It was letting me feel my loss over and over to bring my heart and mind into coherence with my new reality.

Pain transforms and is a catalyst for change.

I was being brought to the precipice of transformation. I was being invited to take the pathway to healing.

Leaving may have possibly been Tim’s greatest gift to me as I have discovered more about myself in the process, even if it was the most painful experience I have ever gone through.

I have never grown more as a person in my grief journey than at any other time in my whole life.

I am light-years away from that person who held his hand as he took his final breath.

I would have preferred that he didn’t die for me to learn my lesson but life is a weird reality.

It might not have gone this way had he stayed.

I realized that Tim left me early so that I would discover my strength that I never knew I had.

He left me so I could appreciate my independence and find my purpose.

Most of all, so that I would not fear my own last days here on earth and live my best life instead.

Grief Meets Gratitude

I have read that nothing affirms Life more than Death.

While there is some truth to that statement, I would rather say that it is Gratitude that affirms Life.

It was Gratitude that made me realize that Life is a gift.

Losing Tim reminds me daily how precious Life is and that it should never be taken for granted.

When we experience loss, we focus on what or who is no longer in our life.

Gratitude helps us look beyond the pain and allows us to see that there is good that still remains.

It has made me focus more on how having Tim in my life had enriched it, rather than focus on the pain of the vacuum his loss had created.

Gratitude has changed the face of Grief.

Although Grief will always be a part of who I am, I have come to realize that being happy now does not cancel out the pain of his death.

Those two realities share the same space in my heart and in my being. They always will. 

Gratitude affirms that life is good and worth living. It taught me to say yes to Life once again.

So I go onward and forward. I may be going through my new life by myself but I know that I am not alone.

It is Tim’s love for me that gives me courage.

His love heals my broken heart and lightens my burden.

It is his love that will light the way through the deepest darkness.

Because love never dies.

And for all these gifts and blessings, I am forever grateful.