Les Miserables – Channeling My Own Eponine

May 21

May 21 Les Miserables – Channeling My Own Eponine

Les Miserables, Victor Hugo’s masterpiece and one of the greatest novels of the 19th century has always been one my favorites. So as a belated Christmas present, my kids and I went to see Les Miserables at the ASU Gammage.

I had read the novel so many years ago and I had seen the movie version three times. Although it had some not-so-good reviews, mostly from purists who would rather not have the novel turned into a Hollywood spectacle, it still resonated with me on many levels. Each time, the emotions it stirred in me were as powerful and palpable. The pain was inescapable. Three times, I had to bring a box of Kleenex to keep the waterworks in check. Now watching it on stage was just as intense. Perhaps it’s just the theme of the story that touches our hearts, regardless of the medium. It is a gripping story of broken dreams, loss, love, sacrifice, transformation, and the triumph of the human spirit.

Sound familiar?

It seems like it is describing our lives from the devastating moment of loss through the grief journey where we try to make sense of what is now our reality, and hoping in the possibility of a new life without our lost love.

Les Miserables – literally in English – is The Miserables, the dejected, the desolate, the heartbroken, the pitiful, and the abject.

I feel like I am describing myself at many points in my grief journey. But as in Victor Hugo's masterpiece, we have to experience the dark to see the light, bad to know good, sadness to feel joy, hell before heaven, and loss to appreciate the value of life.

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight. And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

The song that did me in was Eponine’s On My Own. All of a sudden, I found myself in her shoes remembering the many times in the early days of my grief journey where my dear husband was like my invisible companion – he was there only for me. I found solace in the quiet of the night and in sleep where I could be with him in my dreams and everything was perfect once again. I talked to him, shared my day with him, asked for his help, told him what I thought and felt, professed how much I love him, as it was when he was alive. Eponine was crying for an unrequited love, a love that will never be. In a sense, though I know that I was loved in the 21 years we were together, Tim was no longer here to physically tell me or show me that. The love in my heart, all of a sudden, had nowhere to go. And like Eponine, I would wake up morning after morning to the harsh reality that he was gone and everything was just my own woven imaginings.

So the world continues to turn and we get busy with life. A time will come when our loved one and our grief will no longer be at the forefront of our thoughts. But rest assured, like a curve ball, grief will always be there to remind us that we are still in its territory. And just like that we have to stand still and let it have its way with us. Sometimes, seeing a sad show like Les Miserables is just the antidote. Allowing that dam of hot tears to break and flow could help to swallow that constant lump in the throat and unwrap all that tamped down angst we prefer not to deal with. It is a cathartic experience that is good for the soul. Acknowledging our loss each time is how we can move forward with our lives and find our way to healing. . . on our own.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known